Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know since my son was never born, seein' as how i've never actually had consensual sex without money being involved, i've always considered you to be, well, something I could live next door to in accordance with State law

   I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

   if history repeats itself then she guesses she won't be rich and famous in her next life!

   Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

   I would text you back, but I have no signal.

   Have you ever had your tea iced? .. Your welcome

   once told that girls are like a good pair of shoes... you have to break them in!

   the one that started today's Brett Favre is set to retire rumor and is watching the aftermath unfold. Haha..gotcha!!

   JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater is NOT NEWS!!! WTF

   When the sun goes down and the beer starts flowing...that's when the really good ideas come out!

   Zuckerberg only won Time's Person of the Year because he defaulted the ballots to vote for him & nobody could figure out how to change them.

   The next pay it forward status I see I'm going to respond Hopefully we barely know each other and they live really really far away. Take that stranger. I want cookies delivered to my door.

   -2-Face contact with this so called "Future-me" or it could have serious affects on the way of life as I know it now... "I knew I would own a Delorean one day... HIGH FIVE

   This economy has made me so poor, when I heard of the last supper, I thought I was running out of food stamps.

   A study has shown that if you put lard on your head every day you will grradually grow taller. Crisco does not have the same effect because it's shortening.

   Imagine you in heaven eatin' yo daily bread and the devil walks by with Popeyes.

   Search YouTube for Bryan Lewis "I Think My Dog's A Dem0crat."

   My Wife Rachel like tall slim guys, and I like older & shorter women. Neither of one of us are what we thought our type was yet & still we're living happily ever after together. Our type has changed into what we see in each other.

   I won't be celebrating Halloween today. You know... where you dress up, pretend to be someone you're not, sing creepy songs about drinking blood, and invite a Spirit to meet you in the haunted house. Sounds too much like church to me.

   Heres how to make me cry: take a picture of two old people and write 'best friends' on it.