Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It looks like Turkey did take Trump's economy threat seriously. Gee, what a surprise.

   🎵I'm dreaming of a White Castle Just like the ones that we all know Where the square buns glisten and I am wishin' That there's no chunks I'll have to blow 🎵

   If a prostitute gets pregnant from a client, can she call the National Accident Helpline?

   I married my wife for her good looks but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   Throw a drink at Tomi Lahren? In this economy?

   . There's a book on The Cures for aches and pains by Dr. Artur Ritis

   if the "space force" ever drops a dirty bomb on Uranus, they better call it "operation taco bell"

   I wanna date a lady who has been through the worst,who has been lied to,cheated on,heart broken So that I can finish her off. 😒

   If you fart and it doesn't stink, should you be concern?

   It is gonna be awkward in the hall today when Jared runs into Sean and asks him what the holocaust Center is.

   Woke up this morning to find mets In 1st place . Then I realized my phone was upside down

   I'll never understand someone from upstate NY bragging about their food. Listen up, Schenectady, you're not NYC, you're Vermont Jr.

   I'm patiently awaiting a Chris Cornell/Chester Bennington mashup.

   Can someone please invent a screen protector for smartphones that doesn't peel up on the corners? Thank you.

   I notice that mitch mcconnell sounds like James Cagney when he played a gangster in the movies ?

   We were so poor, that when I was a baby I instead of wearing diapers, my parents paper trained me.

   Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some.

   You can trust fat people. We don't do crimes it's too much work. We just want to eat and watch the food network.

   Toilet: For the sh*t that comes out of your a$$ facebook/Twitter: For the sh*t that comes out of your brain

   Lil' Wayne Lost his Mountain Dew endorsement over "creative differences" for his Emmett Till reference in his song called "Karate Chop (remix)" ... Now remember, silence is foolish if we are wise, but wise if we are foolish.