Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend said she wants our relationship to be like a fairy-tale. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

   OMG the internet is broken. I just searched for pictures of bare naked ladies and all I found was a bunch of pictures of old fat guys.

   Every time I try dating I get a new sister.

   The Gluttony scene from Se7en really isn’t torture if you love spaghetti and want to die.

   If you cannot afford GYM membership, you can at least afford a Deodorant!

   I planted a loaf of Ezekiel bread. It grew into a tree filled with cuckoo birds quoting verses from the Old Testament.

   I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking

   Guess who's not getting anything for father's day....Bruce Jenner

   Just sliced my tongue open by eating ham with a knife because I was too lazy to grab a fork.

   Gnomes Favorite Song: I'm Sexy and I Gnome It.

   Immigrants can either take Trump's "purity" test, or have the fastest time in the American Ninja obstacle course.

   She said she liked the new guy at work, so I had him fired...!

   Here we go. Everyone on FB is making 911 all about themselves. "Hey, don't forget me!" SMH.

   Just attended a concert headlined by the band Disturbed. Evidently everyone in the mosh pit has been infected with COVID 19 - they're all Down With The Sickness!!!

   My husband keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if he keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let him in.....!!

   You can only listen to so much Barry Gibb.

   I wonder if Santa will be wearing a mask during his visit to my house this year?

   When you get to be my age, older women interested in younger men are no longer classified as Cougars. Especially in my case. They're more like Laughing Hyenas.

   The After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna Lunch: Leftover lasagna Dinner: Leftover lasagna Dessert: Leftover lasagna Beverage: Fresh squeezed leftover lasagna

   There was a break-in at the local Apple Store. Police are looking for iWitnesses.