Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cosby is going to be meeting bubba and will really get some "pudding in his cloud"

   be like doctor strange, he saw the end of infinity war 14 million times and he never said a spoiler

   There’s a tunnel at the end of the light

   My lesbian neighbors got me a timex for my birth day. But I don't think they understood when I said I wana watch.

   "You're not liked as much as you think you are. And those who do, like the money you have."

   The three wonders of the world. Single guys that make wonders happen. Guy with girlfrineds that see wonders happen. Married guys wonder what happen.

   I have an “L” shaped sofa. Lower case.

   "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   With all the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas iteam for sale at the sametime in the stores they should call it Hallogivemas sale.

   It should be a Thanksgiving tradition that one of the football games be the Patriots vs the Redskins.

   Today is Erection Day! Go hard or go home...

   Oh... Okay, not the choice I would have made - but game on! Let's see how bad it can really get... for science!

   They say 50% of #status updates are written while sitting on the #toilet That's why I don't buy used mobile #phones .

   I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. “That’s lovely” she said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you think so” I replied. “Your bag’s by the front door”.

   The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182

   people with children should be allowed to do things while hiding from their children because children are mini terrorists.

   Weight Loss Tip: Burn more calories by screaming into the abyss.

   Has found love on facebook. Shes from Bangladesh and "wan day will reash amehica."

   Forgetting to close my tab at the bar isn't as costly as forgetting to close tabs on my computer at home.

   People who say "I'm beside myself" are often mistaken.... with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.