Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will never understand how people can support someone like Craig Allen Peyer.

   Today’s the start of the “Christmas hangover.” The holidays are over and everyone is getting their credit card bills. I just got mine and I can’t believe I spent that much on the Thigh Master.

   Your dating profile said you were a night owl........eat this mouse.

   I'm in the mood for some Bat Foo Yung, Moo Goo Gai Bat and Bat Rangoon.

   Been working around the house lately and getting so much done by using my favorite Power Tool known as Facebook's deactivation button.

   Media sensationalism is playing a role in the Coronavirus. Still, the virus is nothing to sneeze about. (See what I did there?)

   Every year I rotate all 4 tires on this date

   Out of toilet paper, will trade you one new roll for 5 gently used rolls

   I am going through a lot of toilet paper and kleenex in self-isolation .. . I get it now.

   My buddy gave me a Golden Girls DVD for my birthday. I told him, "Thank you for being a friend."

   All of us are tools to some degree. It's just that some are jackhammers and some are 1/4" nut drivers.

   I Love octopus. Tried to cook one the other night and took me 5 hours. The sucker kept turning off the gas.

   The Coronavirus has me upset to the point where I've lost weight... 20 lbs total! I have no appetite whatsoever so this thing needs to go away. But not just yet. I want to lose another 30.

   I think this might be a good time to get a pet. Do they have a delivery service for that?

   You heard the saying "you are what you eat", well Mc. D's must be making their Big Mac with donkey meat.

   Two Lessons Learned. One by me, the other by my cat. Me: Always check the dryer before starting. Cat: Never sleep in the dryer ever again.

   If Mike Wazowski scratches the bottom of his head, is he scratching his chin? Or his balls?

   I'm not looking like a million dollars today, more like about $19.95. But I am hanging out at the Dollar Store so I am feeling pretty good.

   this girl I'm stalking never returns any of my texts,i think I should stalk other women.

   If someone gave me a million dollars to lose weight for one of those weight loss programs I would too