Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your weed man is getting too popular when he has his own Snapchat location filter.

   Are You: A) A complete partier. B) A vampire. C) A regular insomniac, or D) Some combination of the above?

   Winnie Mandela is 80 and still looks fresh and beautiful than most of you 20yr old girls.

   What's the word for when someone goes 1-100km/h in 7.5 sec in a relationship only to jump out as you engage cruise control?

   Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

   Y'all freaking out about the clowns as if women aren't afraid of being murdered by strange men while walking alone at night all the time.

   Top 5 Fears: 1) Snakes. 2) Tornados. 3) Avalanches. 4) Spiders. 5) A baby not high fiving me back.

   I think Christmas must be near, The bin man said good morning to me.

   Italian bread is just like regular bread but it's gold chain gets stuck in its chest hair while it blows out your kneecaps.

   Engineer: A short circuit in the deer's nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it's dangerous. But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

   Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he's having computer problems?

   To the NBA post: what are you, stupid? NBA players criticized those communist countries all the time. What the hell is wrong with you?

   I bet the creators of The Brady Bunch had no idea how much impact they would have on the porn industry...

   Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight. I'm just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   Living check to check is fine til you go from "Think I'll treat myself to a $7 latte" to "Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs."

   Before Facebook Instagram and all these social networks we have today, when I was a kid if we went around and showed all our friends our Selfies they would think that we were really committed, or should be.

   Anyone have a lot of unused pregnancy tests? Hate to see all this pee go to waste.

   If you know anyone home alone for Christmas let me know! I need to borrow their chairs...

   Never ask a gay dude if he is anal, say OCD instead.

   My New Year's resolution is to not make any New Year's resolutions.