Funny Status Messages

   ive been wearing my boxer briefs backwards all day...btw guys,when using the restroom, dont use that easy access slot in the front the same way for the back side if you find yourself in the same situation..it doesnt end well!!

   I worry that you'll work in an office, have children, celebrate wedding anniversaries. The world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life.

   One of the bigger mistake men make is thinking they have to understand what they're apologizing for.

   God was invented by the caveman to explain thunder and other stuff he could not explain.

   Botching a quarantine and causing an outbreak, because you hate Obama so much is a understandable thing to me.

   Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

   I can't believe we have a president that had sex with porn stars and wants a space army, and I still hate him.

   Gone with the Wind!

   I don't give a crap...I am voting for Romney just cuz Paul Ryan looks like "Doug" from The Hangover!!

   thinking the shortest book ever written was called negroes I have gone yachting with

   America should ban Thanksgiving until your National Gross Weight goes down

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time.

   I'm pretty sure Dora the Explorer is teaching kids the wrong idea, because I tried rapist no raping the other day…. It didn't go well.

   BEST PICK UP LINE: Are you a drill sergeant? Because you have my privates standing at attention.

   I was on the elevator with a maid and I BLASTED a fart. Moments like that make life worth living.

   Congrats America, you've given the nuclear codes to the most danerous man on this planet

   The Olympics are only around to make white people feel good at sports

   When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

   Why don't you unbutton that blouse and let me get to know ya?

   Let's play a game. Shuffle your music playlist. Skip the the 7th song. Write the first few lyrics, then the last name/one of the words from the band's name. Then write the track length. Congratulations, you've created your own bible verse.