Funny Status Messages

   Time to go give my sheets some a$$ and pillow some head...

   just called 911. To report a fat white guy in a red suit just broke in to my home and snatched up a plate of cookies. Hey fatty you left your presents. We got your finger prints and we be looking for you. You so dumb.

   Don't you hate it when some fat ass in a fast food drive thru orders $40 in food.

   not a flinstone but i'll make your bed rock

   used to be a virgin, but he's paying tax now.

   it possible to be in two places at twice?

   Treat me like an angel.....and il take you 2 heaven! ;-)

   a dude playing a dude, disguised as another dude.

   I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

   So excited..I just won "the lottery"!! Ouch!! Wait a second, why is everybody in town throwing stones at me?

   If I had a child, I would name him Carlos, just for the years of personal enjoyment of saying "Not at the table Carlos!"

   Call me crazy but when a baby won't stop crying I ask its mom to spread her legs and I try to gently shove it back in her.

   ARE YOU LOSING MONEY EVERY TIME YOU BATHE? If you're taking cash into the shower, the answer may surprise you.... Stay tuned.

   There is always at least one HATER that dislikes --->SMH

   My wife said she'd give me a Golden shower if I take her to Golden Corral.

   I asked the lady at the bookstore, "Where is the self-help section?" She said telling me would defeat the purpose.

   If I wasn't to be Egyptian , I would've wished so . 100% proud

   Called my mom to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I’m now waiting on a tow truck.

   going to laugh so hard at all the Hillary haters sucking on it on Nov. 9th. Open wide, and insert Anthony Weiner.

   Dear Santa, yea I was naughty this year ..and it was worth it, you fat, judgmental b*stard!