Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take f*cking notes.

   Haven't heard Obama say one thing about getting rid of Nickelback yet!!!!

   CNN, CBS, ABC, MSNBC. Not a fan of any news outlets. That's why I get all my information from one channel, The Cartoon Network

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

   real reason Steve Jobs died.....Jesus needed tech support for his iPOD

   Sunday is here again...time to put on our christianity hats and act all holly and mighty while we pretend to care about god and his 10 commandments.

   Colin Kaepernick says America is not great and people tell him to leave. Donald Trump says America is not great and may become president. White privilege.

   creating a petition to deport those signing the petition to secede from the United States...and send them to Mexico! GOOD RIDDANCE!

   Still trying to figure out what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   Fox news breakfast: Bigots and gravy.

   I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis

   You think you can hurt my feelings? I'm an overthinker. I hurt my own feelings.

   Iron Man is now a black teenage girl?!?! Here's hoping she makes suits for her friends and family to protect them from the police.

   A fun way to celebrate Palm Sunday while self-isolating is to slap your loved ones in the face and yell “Palm Sunday”.

   We don't appreciate all these redneck, inbreeding stereotypes. Ain't that right, Uncle Dad?

   Trump: I was surprised to see they have a picture of me at the art gallery. Pence: Sir, that was a mirrow.

   I'd have to say for the first time in 40 years I don't wish I was Eddie Van Halen.

   Apparently, Russia has the best hookers. I know where i'm going on vacation now.

   Brace yourself for pumpkin his and pumpkin that bull$hit

   Before I was born, I was given a choice between a big di*k, or a good memory. I don't remember what one I chose.