Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've got no status update right now. But thanks for taking the time out to read this status update about not having a status update!

   "Alloweth me, I shan't be damned To probe around your lovely clam." - Spongebob Shakespeare

   My Alexis doesn't always answer me when I ask you a question, and now I know why it talks like a woman.

   So what do you get when you spell strap-on backwards?

   Marriage tip #4: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   GOP congressman moves to block Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, suggests Paula Deen replace her instead.

   Jesus would have been a great musical act on a cruise ship because Jesus rocks on water.

   Look out ladies, Donald Trump might be single soon as Melania isn't happy with her husband.

   Noticed the guy in front of me making a right turn into a cemetery. Tried shouting at him that it's a dead end, but he wouldn't listen...

   Score one for the good guys! Trump is going to protect the dreamers.

   it true atheist children lie down and make snow corpses

   Spoiler Alert: Penny strangles Sheldon to death on the last episode of The Big Bang Theory.

   I wonder if girls at the University of Alabama call their periods the "Crimson Tide"

   I shared the status of the power ball winner. I won!!!!! Nothing....

   Let me stop you right there. You just made me think of a status.

   If you see a grown man swinging in a playground by himself you know you're about to die.

   Scream "I am worthy" until the stars collapse upon your brilliance.

   "As you get closer to the primary's reality has a way of intruding!" President Obama.

   Never purchase the trial size version of Colgate toothpaste and leave it on the bathroom counter next to your CVS Hemorroidal Cooling Gel. You may feel refreshed down below, but your breath smells like sh*t.

   I bet Jesus hates it that his birthday and Christmas are on the same day.