Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me and time are drinking buddies. Whenever we get around each other we get absolutely wasted

   ˙˙˙ǝʇıɹ ʇou ƃuıɥʇǝɯos ʇnq ˙˙˙ssǝןǝɹıʍ snʇɐʇs sıɥ ƃuıʇɐpdn sı

   Had my accupuncture appointment earlier this afternoon, I discovered that I had to pee after about the 10th needle was put in me

   I think I found the solution for the global warming...we can send that guy that I now, who's responsible of 65% of gas emissions on earth, to space...and the problem will be solved.

   thinks this world is filled with mistakes and regrets, but it's all a lesson. Learn from it.

   wishes diets would be easier....like a burger diet or a pizza diet...best would be alcohol diet....man I would dedicate my life to following interesting diets like that....goes without saying I meant if those diets help you lose weight....wow....god is u

   may not be suitable for young adults

   For my new year's resolution I will think of a password other than “password”

   was let out today from the men in white coats man what the hell were they thinking

   thankful for friends whom willingly travel to the ends of the earth to search for the plot that he/she managed to lose; and yet be gracious enough not to cast judgement on its condition when they find it.

   This is a mean,cruel world & I want my nappy & medications right now!

   Gentleman is a man who can play accordeon but doesnt.

   Those that say majority rules have obviously not watched the NBA.

   So a team part of a red state wins the World Series? Interesting.

   When we first ment on a blind date my girlfriend wasn't that interested in me. Untill she saw me lick my eyebrows.

   What do yot get when you slip in water?............ A waterfall.

   We are all grown men and women! Let us start acting like it, and stop believing in pathetic conspiracy theories!!!

   After that beating and broken jaw, Colby's probably like, "He thill yo prethident."

   Some things in life are bad they can really make you mad! Other things just make you swear and curse When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best and always look on the bright side life!

   I was in queue at the supermarket when a lady in front farted I got upset but before I say something, she turned around and said, 'if you heard that, then you are not keeping your distance,If you smelled it, then your face mask isn't helping you at all