Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to recruit people to do whatever you tell them, get the ones eating fast food seafood.

   My debit card isn't the only thing I wanna tap tonight.

   Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to "stay"....

   Ironically, this is probably the first time Melania has seen him nude.

   LAKESTALKER's SMARTASS COMMENT FOR THE DAY: Whoever came up with the phrase, "The freaks come out at night", have clearly never been to Walmart during the day...

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this wayPro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.

   Bladderrash Counterhatch in the streets. Benedict Cumberbatch in the sheets. You don't get it? Me neither. I just want him in my sheets.

   The only true anonymous donor is the guy who knocked up your daughter.

   So a high school 1st year asked me if I knew the symbol compound of Hydrogen Sodium....I said NaH...

   After a news briefing outside the white house. trump and president Macron walked away holding hands. What's up with that

   I’m feeling great. Almost feel like I can have choke sex again

   What do you call a nun with a sex change operation....... A tran-sister

   I overheard that ABC is not cancelling Roseanne but is seamlessly going to replace Roseanne with Danny Devito

   There's no place like space. There's no place like space. There's no place like space. Oh aunty Em.

   🎵Two bros, sittin' in the hot tub, 5 feet apart 'cause they're not gay!🎵

   If it wasn't intended for you to have a midnight snack. There would not be a light in the fridge.

   I'm downtown and my prescription for my glasses just ran out...now I can't find my F#$@%^ing Car..

   At the job interview today, they asked me why I left my last job. I said, "Well, the boss asked if he could see me in his office." I said, "Only if he got fired or was transferred."

   Fun At The Office Tip: Eat an Easter egg on the Friday after Easter, then wait for the employees to start an office pool named, "What crawled up your a$$ and died?"

   Im offended by sexual terms. I think I'll post pictures on the internet of myself depicting a terr0rist group.