Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went to a strip club last night. The women were super hot and the comedian was hilarious. I was laughing so hard.

   My wife was in hospital for a mastectomy, I told her to keep me abreast

   The real gems are the woman who knew Yoda before he was turned into a baby.

   bartender just now: the usual? me: you know it bartender: [throws me thru window]

   Always look on the bright side of life!....badump....badump....badump adump dump....Come on!... Always look at the bright side of life!.....

   The supermarket's completely out of bread and milk. What is it going to snow?

   Pro tip: If you have a cat and money is tight, bird seed is cheaper than cat food.

   90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

   What's up with Chicanos putting cheese on apple pie? Asking for a gringo. 🥧

   You've a Land Rover, a Land cruiser but still have a Land Lord. Sister your weed is too much

   Southers New Year's tradition is to eat black eyed peas, hog jowls or ham hocks, and collard greens on New Year's .

   Thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, then realized it said "THICK CUT"

   People who don’t know the difference between your and you’re need to get there grammer act together.

   Had the most amazing dream of my life last night I feel as if was like a revelation that could change my life and possibly the lives of millions of people around the world for the better forever! if I could just remember what it was about?

   transparent- noun, when your child is transgender, you are their transparent

   When it's all said and done, the world in Endgames was saved by a rat.

   Greta brought to you by who eles used blonde hair girls with braids

   Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love.

   This November I'm voting for the candidate who will bring back the original Four Loko recipe that killed those college kids.

   "That's one small step for man ... One Giant leap for mankind" .... Melania Trump