Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many tweets does it take to get to the center of attention?

   So the Canadian prime minister contacted Kentucky before the president did after the shooting. When did Canada become better than us?

   Quiet Riot is putting the band back together! First stop, Trump convention.

   Some crazy mofo in face paint and arm bands just crashed through the Pearly Gates and power-slammed St. Peter. Badass!

   Anyone know what position Michael Sam will be playing for the Rams? Tight End or Wide Reciever ??

   given your computer the Swine Flu Virus

   I say we should build a Multi-religion facility to appease all religions near the 9/11 site.

   I bet Jesus was pissed that he missed the whole weekend and then woke up on a Sunday when the liquor stores are closed.

   Just heard Mandela died in a fiery car crash...

   If your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed.

   Who had a better Sunday, Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Peyton Manning???

   With his short term memory he may not remember colluding with putin

   If you look at "OMICRON," add the letters "SETAGLLIB" and then remove the letters "NORCIMO," the remaining letters spell "BILL GATES." Makes you think, doesn’t it?

   "You can take my car! Just don't take my gas! - Me, to a carjacker.

   I just got flipped-off from a guy in a Smart Car, he almost tipped over his car

   says "If Heat Rises, Surely Heaven is Hotter Than Hell"

   Dear god, please can we swap Justin Beiber for someone with some actual talent?.. say Michael Jackson would be good...

   Canada is the gay brother of English-speaking countries.

   So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled down at different rates?

   * He claims he went to an ivy league college, and has an incredible vocabulary. To bad his incredible vocabulary isn't part of the english language.