Funny Status Messages

   The worst part about my dad having a ponytail is, whenever we go out to eat, the server automatically hands the bill to me.

   If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

   Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

   Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.

   Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

   You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.

   [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

   If I ever choke to death on Gummy Bears, please make sure it goes on record that I was killed by Bears.

   For now on, should United airlines lose a passengers baggage. That passenger has a right to kick a$$ on one of their employees. . .

   All middle seats on airlines should be filled with dogs. Period.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one..

   character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you!

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive and dead, no question,,, I would want it to be Schrödinger's cat

   What is the big deal about Cinco De Mayo. I've been drinking my ass off Everydayo of Mayo.

   I'm not trying to brag but I can wear the same size socks today that I did in high school.

   Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you're horny, but can't stand to look at each other !

   I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.

   In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home, ,, The more homeless I look.

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

   I just keep telling myself you guys don't have sex either.