Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just heard that flies spread disease. I always keep mine zipped.

   Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

   I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

   Executioner: Any last words Me: No, I’m – My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

   Wait…was it my left or your left? -me as a surgeon

   Anyone going early Black Friday shopping after the elections?

   Husband: We need to stop spending so much money. Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

   Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

   Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

   Going to spend the weekend cleaning in case Publisher's Clearinghouse shows up at my door with TV cameras and a check.

   This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

   My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special, we pretty much just tell them straight up that they are going to die."

   We were so poor that all we had for dinner was “helper”.

   I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.

   If you touch your phone in the right places a hot pizza will arrive at your door!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt

   Sometimes there's a very thin line between "I should share this on Facebook with all my friends" and "I might want to seek private professional help for this"