Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.

   Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.

   Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.

   Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   pumpkin for sale, slightly used

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   So many girls are in a relationship with single guys.

   I felt sad for this poor guy dressed as The Statue of Liberty in front of Liberty Tax Service...At least he doesn't have it as bad as the Lil' Caesars Pizza Girl. She has to stand there on the roadside holding a sign that says "HOT AND READY 5 DOLLARS!"

   Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”

   The Olympians stories are amazing.. The ukrainian whose whole family was killed, the korean who escaped slavery, the american who never had wifi.

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.

   Next time you hear a stranger give out their number text them details of what they're wearing. It's so much fun to watch them freak out

   One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

   This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.

   The Black Eyed Peas are just regular peas that got on an elevator with Ray Rice.

   Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.