@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   wondering why baby outfits have pockets? You can just imagine your 8 month old saying "yep fag's, phone, i-pod, keys ... ready to go."

   Syria: Riots stop when authorities use tanks. Italy: Riots stop as police fire rubber bullets. Greece: End to riots as police deploy water cannon and tear gas. England: Riots stop... because it's raining. Makes one proud to be British.

   I've just seen an advert for a cruise offering "ocean views". That's a shame, I wanted to stare at the f-kin engine for a week!

   I saw a sign earlier that said 'Watch Batteries Fitted Here'. I couldn't see the entertainment in it myself.

   I can't stand those people who hate football but still go along to games to deliberately cause trouble and ruin them for everybody else. Bloody referees.

   Last night I tried to go out for an Italian meal, but there was a large, fat lady standing in the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.

   My friend says my jokes don't make any sense and the punchlines are too obscure. Which is quite funny really when you consider his uncle used to grow his own onions.

   Put a woman in a car and she drives like she's the only one on the road and crashes into everything - Put her on the bumper cars at a theme park and she drives cautiously around the outside and avoids hitting anything.

   My mate said he sells drugs to fat people - I guess that sounds more macho than admitting he works at McDonald's.

   just seen Roy Hodgson speeding down the motorway at 140mph, with a splif in one hand a can of Carlsberg in the other. This fella will do anything for 3 points!!

   I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt. No more online pyramid schemes then?

   Remember, a doggie isn't just for Christmas... it's a f-kin good position all year round!

   I was in Wimbledon the other day and was talking to this guy and he said he was a ball boy. I told him I'm more of a breast man myself.

   NEWS: Lady Gaga to do naked skydive for charity. You've got to admire her balls.

   BBC News: "Britons are the worst binge drinkers in Europe." - I'm sorry but I think you'll find we're actually the best.

   So, I see they have a gypsy in the new Big Brother house. Good luck trying to evict that!

   I bought a book entitled, 'An idiot's guide to saving money'. It was only £39.99.

   My mate just texted me saying, "I wanna read a book. what wud you recommend?" "The Oxford English Dictionary" I replied.

   Female drivers: The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street.

   My wife said I'm an idiot who can't do the simplest of things right. So I packed her bags and left.