Funny Status Messages and Tweets

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   Allergies: Nature's way of saying, "I know you're not sick, but I want you to feel like you are anyway!"

   During a job interview, when I get asked what my weaknesses are, I always want to say "Beautiful blondes and whiskey."

   Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning.

   Dave needs to get more sheep in Farmville! ... Dave needs to get 6 more points to advance in Mafia Wars! ... Dave needs to get a f-kin life!

   There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog.

   Bandaids come in two varieties. The kind that won't stay on and the kind that won't come off.

   Do I consider the cup half empty or half full? Depends on whether I'm emptying it or filling it.

   List of things I've accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List

   Shark Week is over, but I'm not taking down my decorations

   Cell phones ruined pushing people in the pool.

   You always get what you pay for. Nothing proves this more than toliet paper.

   Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.

   I can always tell how much I really like a girl by how long it takes me to delete her text messages.

   I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.

   How soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?

   learned an important lesson yesterday, Rice Krispies and hangovers do not go good together. First time she ever had to tell a bowl of ceral to shut the f*ck up!!

   have you ever slept so good you couldn't wait to do it again as soon as you woke up?

   Got a flannel sweater for the 9th year in a row. Thanks mom! Can't wait to see what I get next year.

   Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that you're alive.