@uxbridgeguy Funny Status Messages

   Someone stole my Microsoft office and they're gonna pay , you have my word

   Police officers say anything you say will be taken down and make be used as evidence .. your answer should always be please officer don't hit me again

   The wind is proper whipping it up out there, guess I won't be taking the broom out for a spin tonight

   He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

   It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

   yes, I have made mistakes, but last time I checked, life didn't come with instructions!

   Bring back hanging,that's what I say... tumble-driers are useless....

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy.. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   Dear McDonalds cashier, dont give me that look. There’s no age limit on a happy meal. And don’t forget the toy!

   Just been accused of being condescending , that's where you talk down to people.

   Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice,I'm made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?

   Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call

   The Royal baby has been named 'George'...Zippy and Bungle are mortified!

   Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.

   I may not be that much of an importance to you but atleast I will be there when you need me

   Fool the kids into thinking this will be the best Christmas ever by circling all the expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue

   Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second would've seen it.

   I'm gonna complain to Domino's! They said I'd have my pizza before I could say 'Piping hot!'. I've said it 867 times since then and it's STILL not here!

   I think I'm allergic to low-energy lightbulbs. Whenever I switch one on, I can barely fecking see for twenty minutes.