@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.

   As the 13th miner was about to surface, the sky news presenter described Carlos Barrios as being single, is also a taxi driver and likes horse racing. It's a f-king rescue operation not blind date!

   A man who saved a 10 year old girl from being abducted claims to be an illegal immigrant. Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too.

   Yahoo News - "World's oldest man dies". Why does this keep happening?!

   Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop post...... Sorry, that was my girlfriend, I left my laptop in the kitchen again.

   Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre.

   My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, “Will you propose to me?” - So I immediately popped the question.

   My girlfriend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month! Well, you know what they say... Elephants never forget.

   Why don't blind men skydive?...........Because it scares the sh*t out of the dog.

   Security stopped me at the airport last night. He said, "Do you mind if we search your luggage?" I said, "It depends, what for?" He said, "Drugs." I said, "In that case, no."

   I've just had a tattoo done on my arse which says, "If you're reading this, we're in prison."

   Success at age: 2- Not pissing your pants 12-13- Having friends 16-17-Having sex 20-35 Making money 40-50-Making money 60-65-Having sex 70-75- Having friends 80-100 Not pissing your pants

   I've always had an over active imagination. Like one time I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of tango, it took me a while to work out it was just a fanta sea.

   My wife has got a Licence To Kill. Or Driving Licence as she likes to calls it.

   Sky News - "Man Arrested On Suicide Bomb Charges" I know nothing about this case, but i'm fairly confident it wasn't him.

   I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine!!! Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

   Whoever said that laughter is the best medicine has obviously never had broken ribs.

   Tottenham's bids to sign David Beckham and Phil Neville failed after they missed the transfer deadline... By 7 years.

   Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry. But it's one that actually works.

   I went to the chemist and said, "I'd like some deodorant please." The woman said, "Is it the ball deodorant you want?" I said, "No, underarm."