Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?

   If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?

   "Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media

   I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   I wish I was a Unicorn so I could stab people with my head.

   Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."

   Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.

   If you have a problem with me, call me and we'll talk about it. If you don't have my number then you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.

   ATTENTION: Due to BBQ setbacks, my ripped beach body Will be postponed another year. Thank you for understanding.

   I just cleaned my house by turning off the lights.

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

   Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”

   That one sounded like a dirt bike with a bad muffler.

   Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE

   It's kinda awkward when you are wiping away a girl's tears and accidentally her eyebrows too

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.

   A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.

   On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.