Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Neighbor's python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD. He's a cold hearted snake.

   Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.

   If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be. I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.

   A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.

   On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

   Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

   I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

   How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?

   I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.

   Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.

   Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

   That one sounded like a dirt bike with a bad muffler.

   Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE

   It's kinda awkward when you are wiping away a girl's tears and accidentally her eyebrows too

   my dad calls me BJ because that's all I was ever supposed to be :(

   When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care."

   I have decided to host the Oscars