aaron Funny Status Messages

   Three midgets walk into a mini-bar.

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."

   Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..

   Honestly, I love every single some of you.

   I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

   Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.

   Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"

   Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.

   I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital

   The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.

   I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.

   Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

   If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.