flinnie Funny Status Messages

   My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.

   They should let the guy who named a group of crows a "murder" name more stuff.

   As soon as women see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running.

   just read the list of movies the library of congress deemed worthy to preserve, Breakin' 2 electric boogaloo was robbed again!

   Telling somebody you love them is like telling them your dream from last night. You can explain all you want. They'll never understand.

   Library of Congress to receive entire twitter archive. Now your great great grandchildren can read about how much you pooped.

   Maybe we didn't even WANT to touch it, M.C. Hammer. Ever think about that, you egomaniac?

   Scatter seeds of kindness and peace will grow, you stupid idiot.

   I guess more people saw the movie Casino than I thought. I always get strange looks when I recommend moving meetings to cornfields.

   if I had a choice between ending world hunger and seeing a mountain lion play a guitar solo, everyone would eat but i'd regret it forever

   Do athletic people not know about Netflix?

   My advice to Charlie Brown or any kid who wants more friends; don't tell people your dog is a WWI flying ace

   I assume a pretend apple a day keeps the honorary doctorate types away.

   I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about kitchen knives.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me knives, and I didn't know what they were!

   It'd be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security's face when they pull off the mask.

   "Don't call me old fashioned or i'll be forced to pummel you in a rousing bout of fisticufs"

   FAXT: you are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark

   it possible for an Asian to take a picture without making a peace sign?

   Tax question: Is it technically considered cheating if you claim your 200 facebook followers as dependents?

   When you start working on your own manifesto, its time to go talk to the professionals in the mental health industry.