flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I bet vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots

   I'm chivalrous. I always hold the door open for a woman so I can get a better look at her butt.

   I pretended to work all day while dreaming about big boobs

   When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.

   I bet a tough part of fielding calls at a poison control center is not finishing most of your sentences with "...you unbelievable moron."

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because NO ONE IS HITTING SNOOZE WHEN THEY HEAR THAT

   The worst part about getting a monogrammed sweater for Christmas is having to find someone with your initials to regift the thing to

   Prince and Sheena Easton never did tell us who won the World Series of love.

   We can only heal as a nation, once we acknowledge that Morris Day and the Time were robbed in the battle of the bands in Purple Rain.

   Don't tell secrets near a grape vine.

   Auditioning for Animal Planet's new series, "I Shouldn't Be Awake."

   We get it, London, you're better at rioting than Vancouver, you can stop now.

   I wish I was as dedicated to anything as much as I am to using movie lines in everyday conversation

   My father taught me a lot of things, however, the most important thing he taught me was how to be a great dad. A close second is how to have a conversation with someone for a half an hour even though you can't remember their name or anything else

   When we set our clocks back, will that effect "Hammer Time"?

   Florida, you just want attention don't you? Casey Anthony, Tim Tebow, the election of 2000. Its always about you, isn't it?

   Just once in my life I want to kick someone out of my office by saying "I said good day sir!" I suppose I'd need an office first.

   People on morning radio shows find everything so much funnier than I do.

   The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   I need a volunteer to make sure when I die, my obituary reads: he laid down that boogie and played that funky music til he died.