snotty Funny Status Messages

   Keep Calm,, and stop coming up with different ways to end that phrase.

   BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise"

   You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.

   I Was just involved in a 'Canadian standoff....' (we were each holding the door open, insisting the other go first)

   Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.

   I think all the women who don't get a rose on the Bachelor should at least walk away with a cat.

   My automatic ice maker has 2 settings... 1) Off....... 2) It's 3 AM & There's a Killer in the Kitchen

   No one has higher hopes than a newly divorced man in his 40's selecting his first bottle of Axe body spray

   Anyone else with a Blackberry wanna play Draw Nothing?

   My bucket list is still half Original Recipe,,, and half Extra Crispy.

   My BEST ever fart,, was the one that made my Grandmother turn round and say "Robert? Who's Robert?"

   So... Where does one obtain minions?

   Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.

   Hey,,, guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes,,,,,, NOBODY likes you.

   Relax,,, We're all crazy.. It's not a competition.

   Huh?,, Daylight Saving Time is this weekend?,,,,I'm not going to lose any sleep over it

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 8 or 9 times, just to be sure.

   My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.

   If you love something, set it free... If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.

   Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle............ * A Cramp Stamp