Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK, I'm not sure what button I hit on Facebook's privacy settings, but I just found Mark Zuckerberg in my home going through my photo albums

   Yes, I realize I'm leaving early. But don't forget, I also came in late.

   what's the point in knocking when you can just text someone that you're outside their house.

   You're only young once, but you can be immature the rest of your life

   For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

   always keep your words soft and sweet... just in case you have to eat them..

   Thanks everyone for posting photos of the fresh snow. No, really I haven't seen nearly enough in person even though I was shoveling at 5am this morning.

   While Facebooking, cars in front of you may be closer than expected.

   If you ever need to know who your real friends are just tell them you need help moving and see who shows up

   I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.

   Jordanian pilot Moaz al-Kasasbeh showed no fear on the face of death, not like them face covering isis pussies.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..

   ■The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing

   "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P

   Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends

   my daughter saw a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does, "A f r I c a n Elephant"