Funny Status Messages

   Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

   HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY'RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

   *Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you're so self absorbed.* -Me as a therapist

   Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out Wife: yes why Me: my boss fired me today

   Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don't have to share.

   A new study found that 1 percent of men buy gifts for their loved ones at gas stations on Christmas Day. Nothing shows Christmas warmth like a nice bottle of top-shelf anti-freeze.

   Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend then as an adult I had thousands of them, until I deleted my Facebook account.

   "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

   The glove snap before the prostate exam isn't necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

   Going out with an Ex is like reading a book you already know how it's going to end.

   If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

   Sometimes I like to wake up super early, eat a good breakfast and read some of my friends inspirational Facebook posts to help start the day off right before going back to bed.

   Judging by the way I just reacted to not being able to find the TV remote, I’m not the type of person you’d want around in a crisis

   Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

   *At the checkout Cashier: How many croissants? M: Four *Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face. M: Um six

   Ever notice the scariest women are the one's who flood their pages with pics of Marilyn Monroe?

   Funny how when I was a kid we use to call Facebook group therapy.

   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will probably be put on YouTube by the time you make bail. -Fact of life

   I've never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker's Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.