Funny Status Messages

   How about A memorandum of understanding instead of marriage vows.

   In my fantasy you show up wearing nothing but a tool belt and fix the ceiling fan

   I didn't give anything up for Lent. I just gave up.

   if I pay Netflix each month & choose to watch Star Trek, am I paying a DATA plan?

   Eating kale as a snack has several benefits, including no one will ever try to steal your snacks

   After just winning a four month battle with my oven clock it's dayligit saving time and back to the battle.

   The next gen iPhone has new Pay By View so you just look at what you want and pay, and sorry but I just bought your car.

   I’m wingin’ it so hard I might fly away.

   ndian housewives hold 11% of the world's gold — that's more than the reserves of the U.S, Germany, and Switzerland put together

   Sometimes I am busy tweeting and I stop and think, "did a jogger just bounce off my windshield?"

   Sometimes I sit down and wonder what kind of life i’d be living if my parents were really rich.

   Shout out to pizza and sunglasses for being the only thing left to be sold out of huts.

   I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.

   The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.

   How come documentary makers can find drug makers and hitmen to interview but the police can’t find them?

   I wish I could unlearn English for one day so I could hear how it sounds without meaning.

   Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy

   Yes ... I suppose I am one of the few people that actually love Fruit Cakes!!! ....Heck .... I only need a few more ..... this year I hope to get enough to complete building my Brick wall!!