Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most wives don't want to hear their husband's opinion. They want to hear their own opinion- in their husband's voice.

   if a person starts a sentence with, "Not to sound like an a**hole..." Guess what they're gonna sound like....?

   First, there was planking, then owling and milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be thinking, that would be great.

   My life coach just told me to fake an injury

   The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first cup of coffee for the day.

   Victoria's Secret Fashion Show and The Biggest Loser....On TV at the same time tonight...makes me wanna eat chocolate cake then go throw it up....

   doesn't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.

   Apparently it's green week. In an effort to contribute, I just created a save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"

   Wait, Miley Cyrus has been 18 for only a week, and there's already naked pictures of her? Somebody might be beating Lindsay to porn.

   take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

   Trust is like a piece of paper,once its crumpled it cant be perfect!

   that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

   I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge

   Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

   My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married... That was awkward.

   I had no idea Baltimore had won any type of championship!!!!

   I saw that veterans got a free meal at Golden Corral on Veterans Day. Why?... Haven't those poor guys been through enough?

   A lot of capes at the hair salon. Hard to tell who's a superhero and who's not

   Sometimes my girlfriend is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?" Why doesn't she just answer me?