Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch. The difference between being regarded flirtatious or a stalker is even shorter.

   walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.

   I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

   Builds elaborate structures while playing Fortnite. Can't make own bed in real life.

   Some people are like that annoying advert that suddenly cuts in the middle of a viral video.

   Loving and all these Christmas photos you're posting of your families who look as joyous and festive as the family who came with a picture frame I bought a while ago, who I also don't know.

   For sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Can pick up in front of neighbors house.

   In this cold weather, it's hard to give people the finger when you're wearing mittens.

   I wish having a friend with benefits meant I had a friend who'd be willing to marry me so I wouldn't have to keep paying dearly for my own insurance.

   If any part of your life is "ultra", I don't have the energy to be friends with you...

   Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

   Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always silky. He had to condition it.

   Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

   At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

   I simply haven't seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.

   Im so good at procrastinating I always have something to look forward to!....

   To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

   It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home.

   Just curious, does the room spin in the opposite direction when you drink too much in South Africa?

   Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.