Funny Status Messages

   If a tree falls on your Ex in a forest and there is no one there to hear it you should still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.

   [Eulogy] Bicyclist's Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

   COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running. ME: Hammocking is better than both.

   [At work] What can I do to pass the time?

   If all the Domino's employees in the world held hands, you'd have to make your own pizza.

   One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it's an entire rotisserie chicken.

   [first day as a soldier] ME: whoa I almost stepped on a land grenade SARGE: mine ME: whoa I almost stepped on your land grenade

   My ego persuades me to be a lot more confident than I should be.

   Five bucks says I'm totally broke.

   "No food or beverage." I'm guessing the only rule ignored more than that one is the speed limit.

   you move on because theres nothing else you can do

   Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind

   I married my wife for her looks.But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

   I would get inappropriately angry when a contestant could not get a full spin on the big wheel on The Price Is Right. They should have been immediately ejectied from the show instead of being able to try again. It's not kindergarten.

   Yeah, I thought I loved you too... but then I realized I just needed to fart.

   The most useless advice in the world: "CHILL OUT"

   UK Secret Intelligence Service (aka MI6). They have their own website with the usual "About Us", "Our Strategy", Our Values" etc... Sorry, but am I missing something here? :-s

   There's something unavoidably attractive about you

   It always get awkward when you're on the elevator with a stranger. Especially after you hug him and tell him you're very lonely.