Funny Status Messages

   Don't have time to read the news anymore. Just show me a picture of something bad, give it a miguided headline, and promise I will get angry.

   I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.

   I raise my left hand in salute to you sir. RIP Hugh Hefner.

   How fitting is it Hugh Hefner died on hump day

   I'd publish my autobiography but it's just a bunch of wine stained blank pages.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   "Can I at least get work release?" - Hillary Clinton, probably

   Rudy Giuliani is a potential Attorney General. The non-fat yogurt industry is in great peril.,

   it ok to put up a festivus pole before the 1st of December ?

   When the moon hits your eye Like a bigger pizza pie,,,, That's a....Supermoon.

   I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.

   Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week

   Are you still making frozen jokes? Let it go

   A cigarette shortens life by 2 min,a beer shortens life by 4 minutes,a Monday at work shortens life by 8 hours

   Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever and it starts over because it forgot something. That's a five year old kid telling a story.

   If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.

   If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

   Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

   WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't

   If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn't let you skip.