Funny Status Messages

   In the movies everybody laughs when somebody says "You can trust me ... I'm from the Government!" HAHAHAHA ..... But come election time ..... We all seem to have collective brainwashed amnesia and dutifully vote for the biggest Government Con-Person.

   Halloween, that magical time of year when I can buy 10 pound bags of candy and no one thinks it's "a huge red flag."

   With its resplendent colors and invigorating chill, autumn is my favorite time to ponder my complete insignificance in an uncaring universe.

   Bouncing happily through life on a pogo stick made of delusion.

   Apple introduced the new iPad Mini…for those light days.

   I want to go see "The Girl On The Train" and my wife wants to see "Sully" So we compromised and are going to see "Sully"

   Funny how in school we referred to everyone by their first and last names but as adults we're just like "you know what's-his-face."

   October 27th, almost time for me to tell my kids' about the weird week long chocolate allergy they are about to get.

   Just when I thought 2016 couldn't get any worse, I realize my Kohl's cash has expired.

   Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

   FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

   Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

   I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

   turning my gender off to conserve energy

   My wedding will be open casket.

   I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.

   I am trying to get into the Christmas "spirit" but can't get the bottle open...

   Never ask a woman Her age, a man His salary and 'The British museum' on how they got so many artifacts.

   My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is finding mysterious crumbs on me for the next seven to ten work days.

   A horror story: You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings. That’s it that’s the whole story.