Funny Status Messages
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I dropped the keys to my jeep between the seat then accidentally locked my hair in the car door if you’re looking for a sophisticated woman with style and grace. 
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Did I miss the Grammys again! Darn that makes like 15 years in a row.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce
From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.
I quit my job as a treadmill tester. I just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.
Direct deposit: $1400 Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom
I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing
You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department
If Domino's changed their marketing plan to just call me at random times and ask if they could send over a pizza, the answer would be yes every time.
Karma has no menu. You're served what your deserve
How can you tell if a man is blind at a nudist colony? It's not hard.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom? ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My calculator is missing the minus button, but on the plus side it still works. 