Funny Status Messages

   My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

   Fill in a gap in your résumé with “Haunting a lighthouse.” They can’t check.

   There are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side, and then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.

   Keep smiling... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.

   I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

   Aliens probably ride past Earth and lock their doors.

   Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

   Me at McDonald’s with my $1400 stimulus check: sir the ice cream machine is broken.. Me: how much does it cost to fix it.

   Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report?

   [restaurant] waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before? me: no but I know how to order food

   Social Distancing has taken all the sport out of trying to avoid people.

   I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.

   I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

   GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’ HER: I need to see other people.

   I'd really like to get personalized license plates for my car but they're so expensive I decided to change my name to XJS-3582

   [at the auto parts store] Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chrysler Counter Guy: What size engine

   The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

   My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

   My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

   What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”