Funny Status Messages

   I don't know what I'd do without facebook. But I'm sure it would be something more productive.

   Overheard at the coffee shop: “Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?” Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

   Women hate cargo pants and cargo shorts because they illustrate the tactical inferiority of the purse.

   I'm so broke right now that American Express called me and said: "Leave home without it."

   One of the best days as a young adult is moving out on your own. One of the worst days is realizing a package of toilet paper cost $10...

   When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

   How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention.

   "Real men like a woman with curves" - Fat Chicks

   Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment

   Funny how effective Chicago police are if you havent commited any crimes.

   "16 and Applying to Colleges" -rejected MTV reality series

   If it's not suitable for facebook, it's perfect for twitter.

   They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.

   "Clean up in aisle 5" has a very different meaning in a porn shop.

   An Example of complete business failure due to professional Negligence is a PREGNANT Prostitute

   People are like cutlery. Women want to spoon and men want to fork.

   It's so hot outside that I almost called ex so I can be around someone shady.

   I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.

   Windows updates are the number one reason the economy’s suffering.

   If a man needs to be taught how to fish, then he is not a real man.