Funny Status Messages

   Back in my day, #Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with the police then setting them free was probably a bad idea.

   I'm not the type of guy to " keep the little woman in the kitchen" Not when there is yard work to do and a car to wash !

   'All you need is love.' and an IQ low enough to believe that....

   Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.

   Roses are red... Violets are Blue .... Vodka costs less than dinner for two

   Well I guess in nine months we will find out which of you were naughty and who was nice.

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   Interviewer: You responded to my question too briefly and you were hesitant. Me: I was thinking how stupid your question was!

   I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."

   Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.

   Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."

   My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

   Seriously who the hell is still funding and letting Steven Seagul's make movies?

   been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"

   The irony of being anti-social on social media.

   You know what most people are getting for Christmas? Fat.

   The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.

   Maroon 5 : Patriots 3 :Rams 0