Funny Status Messages

   No one wants to watch your Facebook live video from your crappy seats at a football game.

   Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard.

   Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.

   Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??

   I take all my Christmas pictures a couple months early before I put on all the serious weight.

   Cashier just yelled at me to remove my chip card from the reader like I left a dog in a hot car.

   My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating

   The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread

   Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time

   *accidentally skips the bottom step of the stairs* Oh my God. This must be what a sky diver’s rush feels like.

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled as part of the package.

   People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids

   Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.

   Wife asked if I could pick up milk on the way home, so I flexed both arms to reassure her

   Husband asks to see my phone. ***Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.***

   How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

   I'd rather go camping with a stranger from Craigslist than go to your kids birthday party.

   I want my obituary to read: "She laid down the boogie and played that funky music till she died."

   Happy Halloweiner Hillary and Huma