Funny Status Messages

   genie: so what's your 3rd wish me: I wish you had amnesia genie: so what's your 1st wish

   I already have a "fear" book...my old yearbook

   Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

   "Let the bodies hit the floor" sounds like a sequel to "It's raining men"

   I am now at the point in my life where I’m excited about finding change on the ground.

   Do you think Gillette employees ever call in Schick to work?

   If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

   Trick Daddy and Trina are not Super Bowl material. They are barely toilet bowl material.

   A woman in Florida gave birth to a baby weighing in at 14.1 pounds. So I guess the question is: a baby what?

   it just me... or does Orange Juice taste funny without Vodka.

   Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

   Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Corona virus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone's almost out of toilet paper.

   This week's weather forcast...Monday: Room Temperature Tuesday: Room Temperature Wednesday: Room Temperature Thursday: Room Temperature Friday: Room Temperature

   2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead. 2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

   Gas is so cheap right now, I don’t even have to shake the handle after I fill up

   Pro Tip: Add some chicken bones and bay leaves to canned soup and everyone will think you made it.

   I'LL TRADE YOU A 12 PACK OF TOILET PAPER FOR A POUND OF HAMBURGER

   Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

   If I had a dollar for eveytime I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream