Funny Status Messages

   Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.

   $300.00 to buy a ticket to see Rage Against the Machine makes me think that they now are the machine.

   Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.

   ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about "cover your pin" mf you the thief

   I’ve got your stimulus package right here.

   You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

   Pretty wild how we used to eat cake after sum1 had blown on it..Good times

   Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

   Looking at people posts I think facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “What’s your problem today!?”

   Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

   So, how's that "I wouldn't live anywhere else" thing working out for you New Yorkers?

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they worship satan.

   Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

   Ladies, we are not officially old until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of our faces.

   "China is beating us badly in every aspect. Even buidling the wall."

   So does Caitlyn Jenner get a half-day off? #Daywithoutwomen

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.

   A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.

   I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween