Funny Status Messages
Search Messages:
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious! 
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
Making popcorn for these Facebook movies.
been here for some time now and agree, funny guy needs to go engineer some you know whats
The main message women seemed to take away from Cinderella is it's okay to take your shoes off when you go out.
Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...
A 6-year old just shook her head at me in disgust as I stole Splenda from Starbucks. Everyone have a great week and keep chasing your dreams.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don't use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist. Just when I needed her the most.
Just canceled my plans for a mini-vacation to Charlotte to do some shopping.
I've never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.
NEWS FLASH: Facebook will expand it's efforts to stop online hate speech,, *in other words, they will be shutting down until after the election
If anyone ever asks you what would Jesus do? Remind them that flipping over tables and chasing them with a whip is within the realms of possibilities...Matthew 21:12 :)
If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?
Last night a jet flew so close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down
You've probably already heard that Mr. Peanut died. But, don't worry. He'll be back in a Jif.
Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
The best things in life require no pants. 