Funny Status Messages

   I thought I was starting to miss you, but it turned out to be just a prescription mixup.

   I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.

   I would let my daughter date an Edmonton Oiler cause I know they can't score.

   If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.

   Take me seriously at your own risk.

   Free middle fingers for everyone!!!

   If love is a battlefield then I keep dying in basic training.

   Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."

   When I was younger I use to carry an extra pair of panties in my purse in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I sneeze

   Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or worse, you could get kilt.

   So is every room in a Trump hotel now a presidential suite?

   I'm pretty sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season's Dancing With The Stars.

   If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

   The buttons on my jeans have started Social Distancing from each other.

   I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just craps on the floor.

   Quick! While the Government is shut down, let's create a new one.