MIchael Funny Status Messages

   all I know is that before I watched Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's, it didn't burn when I peed.

   currently accepting applications for a new girlfriend. The competition is pretty fierce! I've already received on that stated under military experience, “I go commando several times a month.”

   Are you sick and tired of having sex? Ask your doctor if 'marriage' is right for you!

   I'm not certain, exactly, when I became "old". But, I've narrowed it down to sometime between 1988 and last night, when I noticed Song Pop classify "Guns 'n Roses" as "Classic Rock"

   it considered cheating if you have to kiss your boss' ass?

   "Oh.... I can't wait tto see all the clever and funny Bitstrip cartoons my Facebook friends posted today!!!!" ~ Said no one, EVER!

   It's March 4th. I like today's date because it's like I'm telling people what to do.

   Guy in the bathroom: In the Army they taught us to wash our hands after taking a leak. Me: In the Marine Corp they taught us not to piss on our hands.

   Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.

   Hey mylife, I can promise you, 28 people are NOT searching for me! Quit lying!

   WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than you actually are.

   Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.

   Destroying my chances at getting elected to public office on Facebook post at a time.

   You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you'd like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.

   Happy Thursday to all my married friends.

   K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.

   This shutdown seems to be bringing out the inner-retard in everyone.

   Just watched Miley Cyrus' VMA performance on YouTube... I'm on my way now to the health department to get tested for herpes.

   My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.

   father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father.