Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.

   So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God I love my boobs.

   I serve my "fck you's" with a smile. It just has a better effect that way. Don't you think?

   My mother-in-law came to visit, I asked, "How long are you going to stay?" She said, "As long as you want me to." I said, "You're not even going to stay for coffee?"

   President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?

   I hate when I'm laughing & my ass falls off.

   relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.

   I love a Thanksgiving turkey... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

   When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping.... with a really angry bear near by.

   it's funny how social networking has made people more antisocial.

   I just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car... Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...

   Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

   My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   I saved a bunch of money on Valentines Day by switching to single.

   Jello is just kool-aid...with a hard on...

   Playboy doesn't show nudes. MTV doesn't play music videos. The Learning Channel makes you dumber. What happened to the world

   I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet

   Of course I'll attend your no alcohol, vegetarian Halloween party tonight. I'll be dressed as the Invisible Man.

   100 people get swine flu and everyone wears a mask... 1,000 people get aids and no one wears a condom... Makes you wonder a little...