Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Netflix should probably just start asking "Is there someone I should call?"

   Dear problems..plz gimme a discount..I'm your regular customer

   "Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."

   Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.

   If you leave a cupcake out long enough, it just becomes a cookie

   There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.

   If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

   . A Hypochondriac is a person who can't leave well enough alone.

   Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   Why do you ask me to press 1 for english when you know damn well you're going to transfer me to someone who doesn't speak english?

   I don't know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

   Lady stabbed a guy singing Christmas Songs at the Mall. I bailed her out.

   Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

   It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

   My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.

   My math teacher called me average. How mean!

   Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them? Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

   [frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must... fit in.. with... other ghosts

   I felt a little guilty about not eating any vegetables today then I remembered I ate some Ruffles earlier so I'm good now.