Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.

   I've only been on Facebooks new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.

   Some of you all went from homemade, natural, all organic cleaning products to Clorox real fast...

   You can’t call it “pandemic” unless it’s from the Pandemic region of France, otherwise it’s just Sparkling Flu

   A priest rabbi and a nun walk into a ...Nevermind. Bars closed.

   And in other news, Keith Richards has tested positive for everything but COVID-19.

   My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

   Have my doubts about this "smart water," considering how easily it's captured and bottled.

   Late Night Ponderings: I always wonder what the nurses reaction would be like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.

   Discovery Channel - Conspiracies and Myths "Finding The Tooth Fairy" is on...... I hope they find her, she owes me money.

   If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.

   I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

   Damn, I wish I had a structured settlement so I could get cash now!

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."

   if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry