Huck Funny Status Messages

   I'm not saying I'm tired but I did just try to unlock a door with my wallet.

   People who wish they had a nickel for every time such-and-such happened should raise their prices a little.

   I am so overwhelmed by the birthday love, and SO underwhelmed by the birthday gifts!!!!

   My dog acts like every leaf blowing in the wind outside our door is going to murder his entire family. It's like, grow up

   "Pew pew pew! Pew pew!" - excitable church architect.

   Oh, you lost your phone and it's on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

   Why don't we throw the world's garbage in quicksand?

   If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you're not a threat.

   Let's have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.

   "Detectives, we have a grisly murder whose investigation will be most likely result in being killed. Who's one day away from retirement?"

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.

   I bet at least half the guys who get struck by lightning's last thoughts were, "Holy Crap, am I a Highlander?"

   m old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends

   Amnesia sounds so relaxing.

   A bed designed like a toaster: it just launches your unwilling body out when the alarm goes.

   Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should haved died in 1732.

   I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions

   What would we do if the T-rex came back? Sadly, scientists believe weapons would be useless. However, we could humiliate them by forcing them to wear tiaras which their tiny arms could never remove.

   WHAT IF PEOPLE USED CAPS LOCK FOR EVERYTHING THEN USED LOWERCASE FOR EMPHASIS, THAT WOULD BE really weird

   Sometimes after I try to parallel park, I'll just get out and stand with my hands on my hips like a relief pitcher who just blew a save.