joser Funny Status Messages

   The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off.

   A leopard can't change its spots, unless it has Photoshop.

   Still working on an electromagnetic pulsating device to disable cell phones in theaters. For now, please continue making do with neckpunches.

   That thing people do with their mouth when they're using their tongue to get food out of their teeth, I bet there's porn for that.

   An Unemployment Registry would make a lot more sense than a Wedding Registry.

   Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle.

   What do you mean I can't order a Whopper with bacon in between 2 chicken patties wrapped in a burrito? I thought this was Have It Your Way?

   LIFE; It's one damned thing after another

   Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves.

   my 7 year old is all "F*ck homework!" and I'm all "I didn't adopt an Asian baby for you to suck at school!"

   Monday Morning just logged me out due to inactivity...

   Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.

   I don't take compliments well. Or criticism. You know what, just don't talk to me.

   Passwords are like underwear. You shouldn't leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn't loan them out to strangers.

   Filing a BP Damage Claims. Due to the Gulf disaster, instead of a vacation at the beach, we're going to visit my in-laws...

   Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies -- we'll make a fortune!

   surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   I'm about to conquer a mountain of BBQ meat so epic that my utensils are a beach towel, safety goggles, and police tape.

   for every action there will be someone to have a complete overreaction.

   How can anybody call themselves a Life Coach when they haven't even played a whole game yet?